The Midnight Writer

Moved Out!

2007-05-02T14:40:00.000+08:00

The Midnight Writer's moved to the Beach...

I'm now on friendster: dcwin29.blogs.friendster.com!

Ciao!

Taking off

2006-07-03T10:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's mass had me on the verge of tears.

Our parish is administered by the same order of priests who managed the school I spent my elementary and high school days in. And from time to time, I'd suddenly find myself hearing mass officiated by a priest who I haven't seen since way back when. Of course, I don't expect them to remember me given the multitude of people they've come across with since they last "served" us little kids of Don Bosco. But somehow, in spite of the anonymity, there's a sense of comfort that these encounters bring. It's as if someone from your past comes back to reassure you that you've been with the right people, the people that God wanted you to be with. And that all the hardships and the heartaches that you feel right now are part of a carefully designed plan to make you better. At this point of me feeling a little lost, that message whispers: "Darwin, don't worry. You're still in the right track. Leave behind all your regrets and march on without any baggages in tow."

But yesterday's mass had a little extra kick to it. The readings talked about death and dying and Fr. Alex Garces talked about the purpose of living. At first I thought, great, yet another episode to compound my quarter-life existentialist crisis! I mean death, dying, and the purpose of life?! It inevitably bangs you in the head with questions of "What the hell are you doing? Life's short and you're lazing around waiting for things to unfold?!" Hay, I really don't know but sometimes, Christian values are a little hard to reconcile. On the one hand, you have patience as a virture and that everything will come in God's time. But on the other hand, you've got readings after readings of how you should utilize the opportunities that come your way and not squander all the potential that God blessed you with.

Anyway, those thoughts aside, I found myself teary-eyed as Fr. Alex proceeded with his homily. He talked about a book written by a holocaust survivor which centered on the meaning of life. I'm not quite sure if I got it right but with a little help from Google, I think the book's title is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. Essentially, he said that the meaning of life is defined by three things: (1) purpose, (2) the experience of loving and being loved, and (3) faith.

Upon hearing that, I felt the resurgence of anxious pangs beating my heart. Purpose, love, and faith - things that I need to come to terms with right now. I just can't seem to nail these concepts in my head at this juncture of my life. Worse, I feel as if I've already mastered these three ideas before I went out of school and until the "real world" started challenging my conceptions of myself and how I wanted to spend my life. Everything used to be so clear-cut to me: finish elementary, finish high school, finish college, get a job, make money for your family while serving others and trying to make this world a little better and since the immortality potion has yet to be discovered, die knowing that I've given my fair share to this world.

But no! Things didn't turn out how I pictured them to be. Simply put, life's not that simple. Purpose? My job's a right fit to my undergrad course but I can't seem to find fulfillment and joy in what I'm doing. Maybe I'm in the wrong sub-field but this too makes me wonder how finding your rightful place could be so difficult when you've already worked so hard to prepare for it. A lack of opportunities or a lack of qualifications? Either way, I've found myself immaturely blaming dreamweavers for peddling hopes about how I could have a successful career in my line of work. Along the way, we must've forgotten that life would mean bills to pay and a future to prepare for. Love? I won't even bother. Faith? Now there's something I still hold on to so dearly. Minus a clearly discerned purpose and with a confused perspective on love, faith becomes the only saving grace that I could, that I want to hold on to.

Maybe my generation got so comfortable with the "instant" mentality - that with the possibilities of today, not getting to where you want to be in the quickest time possible is a crime. Lest I be accused of being a brat who doesn't know the value of hard work, I must clarify that I grew up with my family having to struggle just to put me through a good school. My parents adhere to that Filipino notion of education as the only treasure they could bequeathe their children. But still, that fact makes me all the more wearisome of why I can't find my niche in this world. With my parents sacrificing a lot to, whenever possible, simply hand me what I need, the guilt of not being able to quickly take off after college becomes more difficult to come to terms with. My parents had to struggle to put themeselves to school, I on the other hand was privileged enough to have them sacrifice for me. So how come I can't seem to take off?

Through all these, to look at my past becomes a bittersweet solution. Reexamining the choices I've made inevitably brings forward sentiments of regret and disappointment while at the same time bringing a sense of reassurance. I figured that the world will move on and that living a day at a time could possibly be the best option at this point. A bittersweet past will allow me to prepare for a bittersweet future and in doing such I need to regain the strengths of my old self and the lessons of my earlier days. But then again, Keane's "Everybody's Changing" still rings in my head: "So little time. Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game. I try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's chaning and I don't feel the same."

Everybody's Changing...

2006-06-30T15:50:00.000+08:00

Must be more than simple LSS.

I've been humming Keane's "Everybody's Changing" for quite some time already and just a few moments ago, I looked up its lyrics and meaning. And guess what?

"the song is about trying to work out where you are in the world, while some of the people around you are going off and doing different things. Tim wrote it while we were really struggling to get anywhere as a band, and we were watching all our friends move away and get on with their lives, while we were stuck in battle getting nowhere, and wondering if we were doing the right thing."

I've been telling myself to quit thinking of my supposed inadequacies, bury my regrets, and just move on. I mean it's terribly hard to be stuck, depressed over the choices I've made and who I've become today. I still feel blessed and thankful for everything that God's been graciously giving me and my family. But in one way or another, I just can't help it. I'm on the fence right now. Guess Keane's album title sums it all up: Hopes and Fears.

Hay, I don't want to be melodramatic. In fact, I never thought I'd feel this way ever! Life's got a way of hitting you when you least expect it, right?

Ah basta, saktong-sakto kasi eh...

So little time

They say patience is a virtue. Still trying to get there, sabi nga nila bata pa raw ako...

Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game

I am. And maybe I'm being too hard on myself...

I try to stay awake and remember my name

Seriously, I've been feeling absent-minded lately. Rest assured, may pagka-OC pa rin ako pero it seems like i don't have much control over things as I used to. Right now, just trying to surrender myself to whatever may come, whatever God wills. Trying to live life one day at a time.

But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

I guess I'm no longer who I used to be. I don't feel the same.

Top Ten Quotable Quotes: Retreat Letters 2000

2006-06-06T12:53:00.000+08:00

Isa sa mga highlights ng retreat ang palanca letters. Sa isang banda, malalaman mo kung ano ba talaga ang tingin ng ibang tao sa iyo; sa kabila naman, malalaman mo rin kung gaano ba talaga karami ang mga taong nag-aaksaya ng panahon para tingnan ang iba't ibang aspeto ng pag-uugali mo.

-SHIFT-

But this entry isn't about reflecting over the things that only something as intimate as a letter could divulge. This is about the memorable lines that made me smile when I was on the verge of tears and the lines that made me cry when all along I felt rather plain and nonchalant.

So, in honor of the people who own these thoughts, I'm sharing the top ten quotable quotes of the letters in my "shoe box"... para kahit papaano matawa/maiyak naman kayo. =)

10.

"To tell you honestly, medyo naiilang pa ako sa iyo noong bandang first quarter noong third year. Akala ko kasi maldita ka."

- Eumir

(Ah ok...)

"Alam mo gusto kita. Kasi humble ka (CHARING!!!) at you share your knowledge with others."

- Jot

(I'm touched, seriously... charing!!!)

"Ewan ko ba, ba't nagkakaganito ako! 'Di ko mapigilang magmahal."

- Allen

(Aba hindi ko alam. Actually hindi ko rin alam kung para sa kin ba talaga itong letter na ito. Allen, love life mo ba ang pag-usapan??? Haha)

"Ang buong akala ko noon ay hindi ninyo ako magugustuhan dahil sa antipatika kong pagmumukha."

- Ms. Ref

(Ganun? Ang sagot lang diyan ay: "It is only through the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." 'Di ba Ma'am? Hehe.)

"Ikaw na rin ang bahalang tumuklas sa mga talang ninais kong abutin, ngunit bagkus pa nga'y sinilaw ako't pinabagsak sa lupaing aking pinanggalingan. Paano ako hinamak ng mga taong binuhusan ko ng sandakot na pag-ibig. Well, iniisip niyong isa akong paniking nagkukunwaring ibon at hayop nang magkasabay... pamuli kong sasabihin sa inyong hindi ako ganoon!"

- Raymond T.

(Kung maibabalik ko lang... ay hindi pala... Maalaala mo kaya... Hay Raymond, never in my adolescent years na naisip kong posible palang magkunwaring paniki at hayop ang isang tao. Ang catch dyan, magkasabay pa! Hihi.)

"Bakit ba ang talino mo? Siguro nasubukan mo na lahat ng paraan ng pandaraya?"

- Sgd. Miriam Quiambao

(Miriam Quiambao?!?!?! Gosh, I never knew that Miriam Quiambao was studying in an all-boys school! Carlo, este Miriam, aymberisori pero never pa ako nandaya sa school... Ows? Hehe.)

"You've really been a special part of me since the day na natuto ako sa buhay."

- Mark

(Patay na, seryoso na.)

"Sa loob ng mahabang taon na pinagsamahan natin, natuklasan ko na isa kang mabait, mapagbigay at pastor. Sana naman tulungan mo ko sa mga homeworks at assignments."

- Sieg

(Si Darwin pastor?!?!?! Hay naku Sieg, assignments lang pala kailangan mo nambola ka pa. Hehe.)

"UR GREAT, HE KNEW DAT, U KNEW DAT, I KNEW DAT."

- Ehljay

(PEEZ AWT NIGGAH! Who knew what nga uli?)

"Kaya kong mag-survive. Remember, laki ako sa lupa. Kaya kong makibagay kahit kanino at sany ako sa hirap ng buhay at ayaw ko itong danasin niyo."

- Tatay

(Oh ayan, seryoso na talaga.)

Para sa lahat, salamat!

Burning

2006-06-05T13:00:00.000+08:00

How could you heal
If you've never been hurt?
Won't pain be wise to feel
Since to learning it gives birth?
To the waves of the sea
Who bore witness to the Phoenix's rise
The burning's an indelible memory
Of how time has rolled the dice
Through choices that danced
At the outskirts of the bonfire
Flames weaving through the shore of chance
That never seemed to tire

I wandered

Looking to be anchored by a shot of sanity
So that I could soar despite not knowing what for
Till the flames died to embers and embers to ashes
Filling red glows with darkness to their very core

Lightning struck.
Rebirth. Hoping for
Inspiration.

Zi said:

2006-05-11T10:28:00.000+08:00

"so nagmamaganda ka?!!! imbento as in the gymbucks paid off-kaw b tlga yan or my glasses aredoin triks on me agn? hu wudve thunk?? hehe!seriusly friend looking good..i miss u na, u knowna yours is the only sarcastic banter i let slidedhel kung ibang hindi endeared sken u know how icud get..to think im oh so picky with peeps worthmaking landi with(exclusive privelege nyo ni jeffsken un tho i know its not as much fun for u as itis for me)..totoo, with u its not a matter of having toput up with all ur quirks as it is embracing theperson u are the same way uve welcomed myways which i myself don't care for..sabe nga nimama, hats off to u and the few peeps hu wereable to stomach what im about-haha! for dat aloneur even more special!! il see u soon mylovidoodles, khet marami pang nauna sau,between pam, sheena and all the others imsecured that in ur heart, had it been a straightworld metaphorically speaking ako parin ang iyongbabalikbalikan!! hehe! il c u soon ha, for sure b4 ileave if mtuloy kme-at paghuhusayan ko angpaghanap ng sultan..don't wori, everytime i spot ahunkie im salivating for the 2 of us-anu npayuckknanaman?! i mean while waiting for my lover tofind me, im also on the lookout for "the" whiteshirtguy hus even better than ur dreams..i love ur testi,thank u..and yup di kman mushy i knowunderneathe ur pangookrray is the code offriendship and luv only i, along with ur real homies,cud decipher..so ryt bak at u dearest!! missin andluvin u still and as always too..you'll always be myWill..psst, wats ur landlyn agen so i cud colsumtym para mtawa ulet ang fam mo sa voiceko..oh how i miss the way u mock me!!hehe!happy mother's day to tita, i thank her for you!!uuy, he feels lyk puking agen..all my best sirmoradsky, pagngpunta ko sa skul sbay taumgpacute sa teachers ha, we both know they loveus!! promise bye na, u really prompt d "feeling!!" inme.. all my best..well tok if not meet asap..try2holler if not bz..mwah!! godbless!!"

Hmmm, iba talaga ang nagagawa ng pagbibigay ng friendster testimonial. Hehe. Sa mga may utang pa ako, coming soon. I'm consciously trying to make time for my musings on you, wonderful people. ;-)

The Tough Cookie’s No Longer Stoical

2006-05-10T02:51:00.000+08:00

I’ve always been stoical. That’s what I’ve been led to believe because that’s how most people see me. I guess it’s because at first glance, I easily fall under the intellectual-yet-unfeeling category. I’m a consistent honor student. I graduated valedictorian from an exclusive boys’ school and earned my Political Science degree from UP with an average on the fringes of a magna cum laude standing. This year, I’m about to take my graduate studies in Industrial Relations and major on Human Resource Development. Maybe after that I’d take up law and focus on labor issues. Add to this interest in scholarship my silent demeanor and the resulting impression is that of a boxed-up tough cookie. But I’m a great listener. Friends could attest to the patience with which I handle their rants in life and problems with love. I give great advice too but in spite of that I can’t seem to relate to issues of heartache and letting go of someone you love. That’s until I met Mig and by some wicked twist of fate, the tough cookie crumbled. Now, I’m trying to put together the broken pieces of myself.

I got to know Mig online and I must admit, we’ve never met in person. I know eyebrows will rise because of the fact that I’m wallowing over someone I haven’t even met personally. It’s pathetic, I know, but no matter how I try to rationalize, that’s just how it is.

Mig’s in his mid-20s, an accountant and a very sweet guy. I chanced upon him in a chatroom arguing with someone and I figured it must have been a lovers’ quarrel. I laughed at it, thought it was very silly and reminded myself never to be involved in such a scenario. There were four of us in that room. The other guy asked for my instant messenger ID and after giving it, I left the chatroom for us to have our own talk. Then out of nowhere, a window popped up asking me to add someone to my messenger list. It was half of the quarrelling couple and yes, it was Mig.

We started talking, asked about each others’ lives and told each other to keep in touch. Although we barely chanced upon each other online after our first talk, he’d make sure that everyday there was a quote I’d read every time my offline messages box popped up. In fact, I even printed one of those quotes and posted it near my office desk. It says, “Life is an ever shifting kaleidoscope – a slight change and all patterns alter.” Looking back, I regret not being able to reciprocate his efforts that much. At the back of my mind, perhaps until now, maybe I really wanted Mig to ripple my kaleidoscope and change the patterns of my life.

Through time, I learned more about Mig. Our online correspondences were very enriching because Mig’s the type of guy who’s very open. He was ever-generous in sharing his life and what he went through to get to where he’s now at. I began to admire his tenacity and perseverance as he recounted how he struggled through school. He took on odd jobs like selling vegetables in Alabang and working as a janitor before finally getting a big break when his former superiors in a fast-food restaurant pushed him and helped him through college.

I willingly embraced his stories of courage and faith especially since I was at a crossroads in my life deciding whether to pursue a career in political science and international relations or shift gears and search for my place in human resource development or law. He’s been an inspiration and eventually, every buzz and emoticon he sent ignited in me the desire to become a better person. By the way, he’s also an incoming fourth year student under the five-year program of the UP Law School, yet another reason why I look up to him with great admiration. From struggling to become a CPA to pushing his limits by juggling work and law school, Mig’s character served as my guidepost and he became my star. With that, I slowly heard my heart whisper that he’s a special person and that I wanted to be with him, in part, I actually wanted to be like him.

I knew beforehand that he’s got a girlfriend working in New York. And to me, the fact that he was still looking for a guy-partner was one striking flaw in his otherwise admirable personality. Maybe it was out of respect for his girlfriend and the fact that they were already planning to get married that made me draw my border and assign myself the role of a confidant, a friend who’d listen to his endearing musings and insightful tales. But believe me, it was a struggle not to cross that line which I myself set. Simply put, Mig’s very giving and thoughtful. It was difficult not to fall.

Two days ago, we chanced upon each other again online after a long time. I asked how he’s doing. He said that he was doing well. He had his stories to tell while I listened intently and queried even more like a child discovering how rainbows are formed. Suddenly, he was offline without any warning whatsoever. It was so unlike him and to justify that glitch, I told myself that his computer must’ve automatically lost its connection after the time he paid for at the net café ran out. That thought bought me some peace of mind. The following day, he was again online the same time I was. I asked him what happened yesterday. He told me his baby texted him for them to chat online. I paused. I had to catch my breath.

“Ur gf is in mla now?”
“No.”

My heart began to beat faster and slower at the same time as my chest constricted making me want to catch my breath even more.

“So u have a guy now?”

I remember a yes followed by three words spelling out the name of someone he seemed to love so dearly.

“But how about ur gf in NY?”
“She’s still my baby and maybe by Sept. we’ll get married already.”

Confused and deeply hurt, the stoical guy I thought I knew felt bitter pangs he couldn’t recognize. In all his years in school, it was a hard slap for him to realize only now that there really was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

As I’m writing this piece, I have yet to recover and reconcile the myriad feelings I have now. I have difficulty eating and sleeping and my heart still beats faster and slower at the same time. But in spite of all these, I’d like to believe that there’s a purpose for all the hurt and bitterness. That maybe God is humbling me and that He’s breaking me so that I may rebuild a better stronger self.

Before meeting Mig, I went online to find myself through interesting people. I love hearing stories of how they reconciled their personal issues with the other aspects of their lives – family, career, spirituality. It gives me a sense of hope knowing that people are indeed multidimensional without losing their essential self. The whirlwind of the past few days taught me that there really is a possibility of finding myself through other people. But that process of searching for myself through others isn’t as straightforward as coming up with a well-researched strategic paper. Sometimes, your search leads you to people who become instrumental in breaking you so that you may experience the transformative powers of pain. I’ve been praying a lot for hope because that’s all I can hold on to right now. I’m still confused and hurt but looking at the brighter side of things, at least I can now say that the tough cookie is no longer stoical.

of hurting and growing

2006-04-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

And who says that the television is an idiot box?

Perhaps one of the most insightful thoughts I've heard in recent years came from an episode of Joan of Arcadia: you have to accept that growing up means accepting the possibility of hurting other people and in fact, through life, even if in your heart of hearts you refuse to inflict harm - be it physical or emotional - on others, sometimes you just have to.

My Dream Job

2006-04-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

I want a job that makes me cry, a job that moves me to tears not because some wretched know-it-alls make each working day a drudgery but because that job moves me to the point that every task and accomplishment imparts a sense of pride and hope.

I want a job that makes me feel small, a job that makes me feel as if I'm forever relegated to the background not because some ass-kissers or inept bosses take credit for my work but because that job makes me realize that I'm working for something much bigger than me, that every single second working is a step closer to something greater than the petty squabbles of self-promotion.

I want a job that makes me work until the wee hours of the morning, a job that pushes me to work beyond the prescribed hours not because the tasks are tedious or because I'm given unreasonable deadlines but because that job inspires me to think of time as a finite resource one can never have enough of, a job that makes me feel alive despite the lack of sleep or the lack of rest.

I want a job that makes me feel inadequate, a job that makes me realize how much I don't know not because I was improperly briefed or trained but because each day in that job opens vast opportunities for learning and growth.

I want to find my passion, my vocation. A job that will allow me to make a difference in myself and in other people's lives. I don't want to feel trapped in doing something considered moot and academic. Scholarship is important but I want to move beyond it and delve into practice. Ideas are powerful, they inspire. But ultimately, it is what you do with what you know that counts.

I want to find the inspiration to think and the opportunities to make such ideas truly revolutionary.

cool change

2006-03-28T15:49:00.000+08:00

When do you know you're ready to plunge into something new? What's the decisive sign that will make you leave all your doubts behind, all your what ifs and just go straight through and experience something different?

Making choices is difficult more so if it's about going outside your comfort zone. The novelty, the strangeness... they make you feel as if you're out of place, a stupid uninitiated soul lost in a different league. Worse, what if you then realize that going beyond what you've been accustomed to isn't exactly the best idea. That the things you sacrificed to make that step are far more precious than the things you've gained? Can you be consoled with hopes that someday, somehow the big leap will pay-off and it will pay-off way more than you have ever imagined?
I once told a friend that it's not about going outside your box, it's about redefining one's walls to include new people, new places, new experiences and in the process finding new sources of solace. Hmmm, very insightful but still very difficult to hold on to. But then that's what life is about right? Taking risks and hoping that everything will turn out well. And the essence of faith is not hanging on dearly but surrendering oneself to things unknown.

Time for a cool change?

Sige ba!
Pikit-mata tayong tumalon, pikit-mata nating danasin ang kung anumang ihain ng buhay.

love? what love?

2006-03-28T15:35:00.000+08:00

I admit it, I'm chronically in love with the idea of being in love.
Imagine having someone to share your time with, to explore things with, to grow with...
With a big sigh, I can only wait for that someone to arrive. Waiting in vain? Maybe. But then again what else can I do? Pursue love and push myself to like, love someone? Well, that won't be very difficult because I know I'd fall in love easily. The problem is I always risk making a fool out of myself... foolish thoughts, foolish things, foolish acts. Haaay, if my friends only knew what I'm willing to do for love, the way they see me would really go through a hundred eighty degree turn.
Yup, maybe I do deserve to treat myself better. Then maybe, just maybe, that love I've been waiting for, the love that I deserve, will come my way.
Desperation? I don't think so. Masochism? Well that's a totally different thing...

The Midnight Writer

2006-03-26T14:38:00.000+08:00

The clock slashed time
Under the watchful eye of the owl
Singing its funereal ode
Of a dozen syncopated snaps
Rejoicing a death
And lamenting its rebirth
Announcing my turn
With a tired yet hopeful hum
To write
My chapter in Another
Lease On Life
On its earth-strewn letters
I am disclosed with a tale
Woven by my past
To be continued by my hands
Spitting out names, places, and memories
Familiar events whose strangeness
Blemished my eyes

I blinked

A briny drop
Made its resolute journey
To smudge
The last dot.